Saturday, February 12, 2011

The Bizarre: The Human Centipede (First Sequence)

READER BEWARE: Opinions Are Expressed Below

I finally broke down and gave in to the idea of watching this certified cult classic. However, this is not a cult classic for the same reason The Rocky Horror Picture Show is. I would compare The Human Centipede to the "killer video" in The Ring that you're warned not to watch, but you watch anyways because of natural curiosity...and then you die. Thankfully I won't die from watching The Human Centipede, but I shall forever be scarred.

The plot starts off being pretty basic. Two American girls from New York are taking a tour of Europe and are searching for a club in Germany to have some fun. Well, they get lost down some country road and blow out a tire. Being the complete idiots that they already are, the girls decide to leave their car and track down some help by taking a stroll through the German woods (in the rain). They do manage to find a find a house, but they quickly learn that they knocked on the wrong door...

After that, the plot goes down a sickening road that has to be seen to believed. If you must know a little more...IMDb describes it best. The site says "[Dr. Josef Heiter] kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to 'reassemble' them into a new 'pet'-- a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others' rectums."'s pretty sick. I literally had a trash can nearby just in case I couldn't handle the sensory or auditory elements.

There is no deep meaning to this movie. The Human Centipede is intentionally meant to be sick fun (it really isn't fun). Then why is this a cult classic? Two words: Dieter Laser. He looks like a sicko...he acts like a sicko...he is the sicko named Dr. Heiter. I can confidently say that it is Laser's performance that makes this entire movie live and breathe.

If you're curious now...go check it out. I strongly recommend that you just rent this movie, because you would probably be seriously ashamed to have The Human Centipede in your movie collection. You better hurry though before the sequel comes out later this year!

Photo courtesy of Google

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Fighting the Disease Called "Boredom"

We've all had that one class where the professor monotonously keeps talking about a subject that we really just don't care about. This eventually leads to the disease called "boredom". This nasty infection is spread from professor's mouths and can be passed on through the use of an assigned textbook, lab work or any other work assigned by a professor.

Prolonged exposure to "boredom" can eventually lead to the inevitable and serious disability called a "head bob". Never heard of it? The symptoms of a "head bob" include heavy eyelids, one numb brain, periodic blackouts and unfinished notes. The hardest symptom to identify is the periodic blackout that usually occur in five-ten second intervals during the entire class period.

But have no fear! I am here to help identify the dangerous signs of the "head bob" for you today. Maybe you have it and just don't know it?

Exhibit A: This student has not been subjected to "boredom" and is perfectly healthy (in his own way).

Exhibit B: This student has just been exposed to "boredom", however the signs are minimal. Notice how he draws a character related to the subject in order to fight the small signs of the "head bob". The student informed me that the character shown below is Gandhi with a megaphone saying "Let my people go!"

Exhibit C: This student has experienced prolonged exposure to "boredom", and the symptoms are at their highest point before the "head bob" occurs. Notice how the student is fighting the "head bob" through drawing like the student in Exhibit B, but this student is drawing bizarre and twisted images that are not related to the subject. The student informed me that these "drawings" were called "Le Spilt Salt", "Donkeyphant", and "Martian Volcano". Please Keep in mind that the student was delirious at that moment.

Exhibit D: This student has been overcome by "boredom" and is now experiencing the most critical case of "head bob" I have ever seen. If you look carefully, you can actually see where this student experienced his "head bob".

I hope and pray this demonstration can encourage everyone to fight future cases of "boredom". Hopefully we can do it before it strikes your child, neighbor, cousin and monkey's uncle.

We Must Unite To Join The Fight!*

*Everyone in the world has already been infected with "boredom". There is no cure, and it's too late to save anybody. We will all die. This message was written in a state of "boredom". This message has not been approved by the Food and Drug Administration (FDA).