Friday, September 3, 2010

In Retrospect: A Nightmare on Elm Street

READER BEWARE: Opinions Are Expressed Below

I do not - I repeat - I do not want to live on Elm Street. To be's not because of the creeper Freddy's because the stupidest things happen on that street and in Springwood, Ohio - a not so nice place to live. OK, so why am I talking about this in the first place? Well, I recently had the pleasure to watch every Nightmare on Elm Street (including Freddy vs Jason). Sure it sounds like a waste, but hey...the DVD collection was only $10 at Wal-Mart, and I need entertainment in the doldrums of Commerce, Texas.

Other than watching mindless teenagers getting slaughtered in their sleep, I did learn something as I continued to watch the series. I didn't learn anything important, but I did learn the backstory behind Freddy Krueger. I have always been one to appreciate a backstory (preferably the good ones). I shall share this one with you...

The spark of insanity named Freddy starts off with Amanda Krueger. She was a young, innocent woman (innocent as in a nun) who worked at an insane asylum where she was accidentally locked up with 100 maniacs and raped continuously for several days. It was inevitable that she ended up pregnant. 9 months later when she gave birth to the demon child that was in her womb upside down, things started to go downhill. Young ginger Freddy, who liked to sledge hammer heads off of gerbils in class, was made fun of by classmates as "son of a 100 maniacs." Kids can be so cruel.

Freddy then matured into a ginger teen who cut his pale abdomen with a razor blade to reduce the feeling of pain. He demonstrated his numbness to his father as his father drunkenly beat him with a leather belt. The years went by and Freddy got married to a beautiful woman who gave birth to a pretty little girl. It was sometime during these years that Freddy turned into the Springwood Slasher and massacred little children. He managed to get away with this for a long time, until his wife discovered his dirty secret in their basement. She promised she wouldn't tell, but Freddy shook her to death as his pretty little girl stumbled upon the secret as well. It was she who turned him in after seeing her dead mother.

Freddy was soon arrested and court went into session. Due to some legal technicality, Freddy was released back out into the public and didn't pay for his evil deeds. That was until the parent's of Elm Street took matters into their own hands and burned him to death. As he took his last dying breaths, three evil spirits in the form of skeletal sea monkeys took over his soul and created the invincible Freddy we all "fear" today. To be honest, the only thing that scares me about Freddy is the way he runs...he looks like a crazed monkey.

I'm probably going to have a mob attack me for saying this, but Robert Englund is just plain tacky. You can preach otherwise until your face turns blue, but I'm not going to listen. When it comes to the point where the singing jump roping girls are the only thing scary and Englund addresses the audience members directly with corny's time to end the series. However, I really did like the remake of the first Nightmare on Elm Street a thousand times better. It takes the Nightmare series seriously, and Jackie Earle Haley is great as Freddy. I'll be looking forward to more installments as long as Haley is on board. So there...Ha!

So here's my advice to only the first Nightmare on Elm Street and it's remake (I'm sure most people reading this won't). If you travel as far past the sequel you are treading into really dumb territory. I plan to tackle the entire Friday the 13th and Halloween series next. Who knows when that will be achieved?

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